Taking Up Knitting

I love Grey's Anatomy! The frustration, the joy, the humor......it all parallels my life! Right now, the character I am relating to the most is Meredith. Not the slutty, dating a hot vet Meredith, unfortunately! The frustrated, giving up on men, trying to be celebate by knitting Meredith! I think she might be on to something, giving up men for knitting! We both found great guys. Her's turned out to be married, mine turns out to just want a friend. Both men are fine with just being friends while Meredith and I struggle with this despite what we tell ourselves and others.

I am a very spirtual person. I believe in God and am more than willing to let Him lead in all areas of my life! He can even have this one! Please God........please tell me what to do with this relationship/friendship! Dump it because it isn't what I want it be? Stick with it to see what it might be? Be content with what it is? All I know is that what has been clear to my friends for months has now become clear to me: this "friendship" is more of a game than a relationship! I am being "played". I have known it deep down but refused to see it. Now I feel like I am being smacked upside the head with it and I don't like it one bit!

He makes it clear that it's important to him that I go to his gigs.......then sneaks off with redhead claims girl on the breaks. He tells me the heartfelt stuff and then turns around and gleefully tells me how this cute girl tells his friend "if you don't make a play soon, i'll just go after him". Well.....if the object here is to make me jealous, it works! I get it! He's popular with the girls and clearly not interested in me that way! I am the buddy! Great! While I was content with that for a year and a half, now I just feel ...stupid!

The problem here is my honesty! Usually it's the best policy. In this case, though, I think I played my hand way to early! He has known about my crush all along and while I don't think he has it in him to consciously take advantage, he has enjoyed the attention! He is a rocker used to the groupies, used to the loose women throwing themselves at him, used to the attention! I am just one of the many! Another in a long line of broken hearts.

So where do I go from here? I don't know. I keep getting reeled in! It doesn't take much. I get frustrated........swear to myself I AM not going to see him play.. hear him joke around with me and then turn around 10 minutes later and make plans to go with a co-worker to his gig! Then he openly flirts with coworkers right in front of me and I run to the bathroom to cry! And then he will smile, joke around, burn me a CD and the cycle starts over again. Its awful! And totally not worth it. I am done!

Meredith has the right idea to swear off men, take up knitting and become celibate! I dont imagine I am much of a knitter, but I write! And that is where I am going to be spending my time. Writing about how I am not going to see him play, putting on my music so I cant hear him try to joke around with me. Let him come to me to see if Im pissed. If he doesnt so be it! I am sure he has MANY other women to bat their eyes and fall victim to the charm. I wasnt the first and wont be the last. And he wont be the last band boy for me! Like this post? Please share it, bookmark it or leave a comment.

A Girl And Her Dogs

I come home every night and see the cutest face peaking out at me from the top of the stairs. He runs down and gives me a kiss with enthusiasm usually reserved for lottery winners. It is a kiss that starts at the bottom of my chin and usually ends up all over my glasses. And after that kiss, when I look down at the wagging tail and loving eyes of my Rottweiler named Bear, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Bear, his brother Thor and I became roommates March of 2002. They were three months old when I moved in with their owner Val and I wasn't exactly thrilled to see them. They were feisty and chewed on everything! As any young children are, they were high maintenance. I am sure I didn't impress them either! I was a whiny human, afraid of what she heard were "vicious Rottweilers". They were adorable and the more we got to know each others personalities, the more we came to love each other.

I began to recognize Bear not only by his purple collar but also by his feisty nature. As crazy as he is loving, Beanie became our problem child in no time flat. He is the one running around like he just had a vente triple shot latte! Always inquisitive, always a scamp! He is Dennis The Menace in dog form! It's this hooligan behavior that prompted him to steal green beans right off of Vals plate. She branded him the bean stealer. We shortened it to "Beanie and then to the beanster. The names somehow fit.

Thor is our mellow love bug! He will kiss you by licking any available part of your anatomy until you cant take it no more! His need for closeness is great in the winter when its cold but unbearable in the summer when its hot. Thor seems content to let his brother run wild until he realizes it gets Beanie all the attention. Then he will sit on the floor and talk to me until I give him love too! Thor isnt without his own craziness! He had his moment of brilliant rebellion when he ran out the front door and proceeded to get hit by a car! When he ran home, climbed up the stairs and went to bed while I combed the neighborhood looking for him, I realized his nature is more quiet determination than wild craziness.

What they both have in common, despite the differences in their nature, is their inexhaustible ability to love unconditionally. I can scold them, yell at them or bop them on the nose for begging and it wont stop them from kissing me or running to the door happily when I come home!
What they have in me is someone who loves to sit on the steps and love fest with them! Someone who will talk to them, play with them, love them unconditionally for the rest of their lives!

It is this unconditional love that I have been looking for all my life! I have just been looking for it in a man! I have found it in my boys! And while they may drink out of the toilet, at least they don't leave the seat up! That is most likely better than you will get with any man! That's why I love my boys as much as they love me. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world! Like this post? Please share it, bookmark it or leave a comment.

The Future Of Dating?!?

Everyone these days is venturing into the sea of internet dating! There is plenty of it out there! Every day I sign into my email and see a banner add for a different dating site! As a single soon-to-be 41 year old, I am intrigued! What is this internet dating about? Does it work?

The weddings I have been to lately would testify to it's success! Both were E-Harmony hook ups and both are still going strong! I have to believe that the couples involved took the time to get to know each other on and off-line. I do know that both couples were Christian and have a strong foundation in Christ. That helps immensely, to be sure! However, for every successful internet dating wedding I go to, I hear several horror stories. I see profiles on Dateline about pedophiles caught in stings set up with phony internet "hook ups". I myself experienced internet dating horror just this week. I am sure my horror story was mild in comparison compared to some others. But it still makes me wonder: are all the guys out there in cyberspace pigs, freaks or weirdos?

I put up a myspace page to keep in touch with my friends. Dude emails me and tells me I am cute, can we chat. So we do! All week it's light, get to know you conversation. We have simular tastes in music and his favorite show is "The West Wing". Not the stuff life long commitment is based on, but it's a start. He seems normal. We talk hockey, and about our jobs.

Then after 3 days of emails back and forth he asks if I would like to "hook up". Now, I don't like to consider myself naive but I use that term to mean "get together.....hang out". I am aware there is a more literal translation of the term but I won't do it so I don't use it. I only wish I could of seen his face when he read my reply: "I think we should do it in public". I was thinking meeting at Starbucks. What he meant was clear when he replied "I was thinking more like the Marriott so my wife doesn't find out"!

Not all men are pigs, I do realize that. I know a couple of them that are amazing! One is married and it's been said that is the reason he is so amazing! His wife trained him to be that way! :)
The question remains: how to amazing, sane, intelligent women like me find amazing, sane, intelligent men? Can it be on the internet and is internet dating for me? Do I have what it takes to venture into the great unknown of cyberspace to find my soulmate?

I am going to keep swinging for the fences. In cyberspace or otherwise. I think dating is a law of averages! Finding that awesome guy is like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. The more haystacks you look in, the better your chances are of finding that needle. Best case scenario, I find my soulmate! Not so best case, I find material to write about in my blog! Like this post? Please share it, bookmark it or leave a comment.

Men As Friends~~Is It Posssible?

This weekend I was talking to a friend of mine about guys. I was surprised to find out we have similar problems: we have found guys who aren't interested in the way we want them to be interested!

I was shocked to hear Jane has a man problem. She is one of those woman who you would think would be the last to have men issues! She is talented, funny, pretty, blonde. The type you would hate if she wasn't so wonderful! She has a friend who wants to be the "booty call" but nothing more. Jane isn't going to lower her standards to this and she shouldn't. So the friendship remains even though Jane has been yearning for something more for years.

I, like Jane, seemed to have found the perfect guy! Band Boy is talented, smart, funny, kind. He is close to his family! He is passionate about what he believes in. He volunteers and keeps up on whats going on in the world. He's a sports fan! He is self-affacing! He has confessed to a love of being in a relationship with the right person and yearns for the day he can kick back and watch his kids run around the backyard!

Reading that list of characteristics you would think he's a monk or that a guy this great must be a perfectly concocted vision of my imagination. Nope... Band Boy is real and he is a musician! You read right......a musician! A stereotype-bucking, cute, wickedly talented musician! A musician who has lived the rock star past, moved on and has grown-up! What is so hot is that while he may have grown up, he hasn't lost sight of his dream to make it in music! He has the talent and drive to make it happen and the integrity, modesty and faith to keep his head in the right place while doing it!

A friend once said finding her husband was like sending God a laundry list of what she wanted in a man and God delivering him to her door. The same could be said about Band Boy! I can't think of a characteristic on my list that Band Boy doesn't have. However, there was a hitch in my delivery. I was delivered the perfect guy and Band Boy was delivered the "buddy".
That's right, it's the age-old situation: I am the "friend that's a girl"...the buddy! I show up at his gigs and bring my friends. He supports my weight loss. Our emails are funny....supportive.....interesting! But that is where we keep it: email and the occasional phone call! Due to schedules, this is how it is! Would I love to hang, go to a concert or hockey game like I do with the rest of my friends, sure! Is it going to happen? Not likely. As frustrating as it is for me, how can I fault him for having a dream and the determination to make it happen! He is working days at the 9-5 and the rest of his waking hours working on pursuing the music career. He has no time to breathe, let alone anything else.That drive and sacrifice diferentiates the successful from the regretful. It is a very attractive quality to me! As a friend, I support that and should not be jealous of it! It isn't easy!

As I thought back to my conversations this weekend, it hit me: It wasn't disappointment I was feeling over Band Boy not liking me as more than a buddy or frustration that our friendship isn't what I want it to be. It is the fear that he is the last remaining quality guy on the planet that makes me sad!

We live in a media driven society. The media tells us that men are "only after one thing" and that the one thing is sex.......preferably with a Victoria Secret model eating a hamburger half naked while soaping down a hot rod! The average looking woman who drives her car through the car wash while eating a salad doesn't stand a chance! We are told men don't want to commit, want a young thing, just want to date! We are told they ALL go after what they want and if they don't they are "just not into you". This is why I believe women cling to the good guys like fleas on a dog! We are told they are hard to come by so if you luck into finding one, hang on!It just sucks when you do find one and he wants to be just a buddy! Or does it?

What is wrong with having a great guy friend? They can offer insight into the thinking of that weird other gender! They can explain sports and possibly fix our cars! They can support and be there for us without any of the complications of sex or restrictions of being exclusive. Women and men can learn how to relate to each other within the comfort of a friendship and not worry about rejection. There is freedom and comfortability in friendship you can trust and depend on.

This is what I have with Band Boy. As someone who has keep weight on to keep people away, I haven't had a lot of experience in relating to anyone honestly! Having Band Boy as a friend continues to be the ultimate learning experience! In the year we have been friends he has brought out the best in me. I learned early on that honesty and communication are important to any relationship, especially this one! And with that knowledge and the trust I have in our friendship, I have opened up in ways I didn't know I could. This doesn't mean we are conflict free. No way! We have just learned how to relate to each other. We are two stubborn, opinionated people! With Band Boy I have learned to not view everything as a battle! I have learned to put others feelings before mine! I have learned that honesty and vulnerability don't always come back to bite you in the rear! And we both learned that with humor, honesty and understanding, we can overcome any difference we may have!

Support is crucial in friendship and I think we do that for each other! I support the chase of the dream by getting the word out about gigs and going to see him play! I bring my friends and we have a blast! I am there to listen when need be and push......nag, maybe......to get him to slow down! As with any good friendship this support goes both ways! He is the best "food police" I could ask for and supports my weight loss effort wholeheartedly! I know I can count on him for advice with friend trouble, work trouble, fellow "groupie" trouble! My best friends love him and wish they could find a guy like him!

Writing this blog has revealed to me that is it possible for men and women to be friends! Band Boy and I are proof positive of this! Women should stop whining that these wonderful friendships with men aren't what we want them to be and embrace them for what they are!

Besides, who knows what will happen in the future! Jane told me this weekend that she knows God has a great guy picked out for her and when she finds him, it will be so easy! She is right! I think I am going to abandon the fear of Band Boy being the last good guy on earth. I am sure God will find a way to put me together with the perfect guy for me! When he does, it will be amazing! If it eventually becomes Band Boy, great. If it doesn't, I will still have one of the most amazing friends!

Some wise person once said "You can't pick your family, thank God you can pick your friends". My friends are my surrogate family! I love them all! Friends are a true gift from God and treasure them! And with their love and support, I will take full advantage of this season of being single! I will have fun without being tied down, dare to pursue the dreams I want, stay up all night and watch chick flicks or hockey, flirt shamelessly and live life to the fullest! I will be sharing this with all my awesome friends and I can't think of a better way to live! Like this post? Please share it, bookmark it or leave a comment.

Another Band, Another Decade!

Musicians. I love them, gavitate toward them, understand them! I speak fluent musician and always have! I don't remember when this started as finding musicians growing up was not as much of having friends in a band as it was having friends IN BAND! Yes, I am a band/drama geek and I have hung around the 'artsy' types all my life. I have always been drawn to the creativity, the energy, the passion. And while I can't pinpoint the time this all started, I do know exactly where I was the first time I heard the words that would change the landscape of my social life forever. Those words were "wanna come see my band play"?

The year was 1984, the music was new wave and the hair was big! It was my first year out of high school and my first job out of McDonalds. Matt Valentine, my co-worker at JC Penney Catalog, was the bass guitarist for "The American Ladds". The Ladds were a Duran Duran-type pop band and played clubs all around LA. JC Penny was an atmosphere ripe for band promotion! A cubicle farm who's inhabitants were 20-somethings with time on their hands!

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It's Been One Year

It has been a year since my gastric bypass surgery! It has been 92 boxes of two point bars...........countless egg white omelettes.........1 point pitas..........skinny cow ice creams.........laughing cow cheese.......flat diet cherry pepsi..........boneless skinless chicken breasts galore......

Yet it isn't all about the food. I have made immense emotional strides as well! I have learned that inner peace is a work in progress. I have learned that I don't have to always be right. I have learned that the feelings of others can be of equal importance as my own and sometimes they can be even more important. I have learned the importance of faith and the leaning on that faith to get me through when it used to take food. I have learned to laugh more and judge less.
It has been 365 days since my surgery. 365 days........45 Weight Watcher meetings........52 weeks...........95 pounds. I am quick to say I have ONLY lost 95 pounds. 95 pounds is a major accomplishment and for me it is only 1/2 way! When I do think of the loss as only 95, I do get discouraged! Discouraged with myself for falling off the wagon and losing the same 3 pounds for the last 2 1/2 months. Yes.........I haven't gained but I haven't been moving forward either!
There has been a lot going on the last couple of months that have given me the excuse to overeat. I first had to lose the 5 holiday pounds that I let myself get away with. I used food to deal with crappy holiday stress! It used to be a 10-12 pound gain. This time it was only 5.
Once that 5 pounds was lost....again.... I found more excuses not to hit my 100 pound loss! Eating over the stress of my friendship with "Band Boy" and my self-imposed financial mess were my top two. However, the excuses didn't have to be about me. I found myself eating over Michelle's stress with "drummer boy", Bodie Miller's tanking at the Olympics, my Mom and sister fighting over what to do with the ailing health of my Grandfather. Shoot......I was even eating because Meredith screwed over George on "Greys". ( I am such a George.......friend to all, loved by none).

The key to this is the word "was". I WAS eating over all these things. It has been one year since my weight loss surgery. One year of changing both physically and mentally. To stop the progress now would be sad. To go back to the way I was would be tragic! I can't do it! No Band Boy or financial mess is worth it! Those things are temporary! I'll survive both of them only if I stay on the road to good health.

Today I start fresh. I am going to not rest on my laurals but move forward. I am not done with this. I will be a foodie the rest of my life. I have come a long way but have a long way to go. I will look at my current weight as the starting point to my new year of weight loss! Today is the one year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery but it is the first day of the rest of my life. I want to live that life active, healthy and at my goal weight. That journey starts today! Like this post? Please share it, bookmark it or leave a comment.

Awesome Jovi Show

WOW! I can't believe the show I saw last night! In 20 years, I have seen roughly 45 Bon Jovi shows in 7 states, including 4 shows at Giant's Stadium in New Jersey! Last nights Staples Center show was the best I have ever seen the band!

On my way home, I thought back to the show and tried to figure out what about it was so amazing! The first thing that came to mind was the energy. From the first note the band played, the sold out crowd of 19,000 was on their feet! And it didn't look like many sat down the entire night! From "Last Man Standing" and "Complicated" to the ole standbys of "Livin on A Prayer" and "Runaway" the band played with the same high-octane energy that they did back when they had something to prove. Yet, Jon and Richie could have sat on two barstools and played like the veterans they are and we all would have loved them! Not this band! This band cranked it up 3 notches and kept it there all night! The electricity in the air reminded me of the shows of the "Slippery" tour!

Then I thought of the fact that there was little stage banter and lots of music! For over 2 1/2 hours, we were treated to new songs, old songs, cover songs! Shan and I discussed on the way down what we wanted to hear! I wanted "Complicated" and she wanted Richie to sing "I'll Be There For You". We got that and more! Even a song that I am kind of tired of, "Bad Medicine" was revved up and rockin like I never heard it before! For the first time in at least two tours, that song was one of my favorites of the night!

It was nice to hear Jon has kind of lightened up on his view of California! Two of my favorite shows have happened here and the one in `93 had Jon saying it was the best of their career (at that time). Hopefully after 20 years he has come to realize that we aren't all that bad! :)
I think if I had to put this into a word, the word would be gratitude! The fans are grateful the band loves us like they do and gives their all. And it was apparent in the way they played and in some things that were said that the band is grateful we have all shared in this journey together. And we are all grateful it's a journey that shows no signs of ending! Like this post? Please share it, bookmark it or leave a comment.